Dear Saldanation,
My name is Timmy Caruthers and I'm 12 years old. I think you're a real fink and a phoney too. My big brother Jimbo says he saw you wearing short shorts and roller skating down by the river this weekend. He says you were listening to Journey on your headphones and eating cotton candy. Last week I heard you were against short shorts! And because I heard that I burned all of mine. I also threw away my roller skates and threw away my ABBA records because they came with the shorts. This is the pits, really. Me and my pals do are best to follow your example and here you are going back on your words. We used to think your were the most. Now I wish I could see you in person so I could sock you in the nose! Then I would kick you in the Jimmy cracked corn! I hope you read this letter and I hope you eat turds.
your ex-pal,
Timmy
Dear Timmy,
Sorry your brother is such a big stinking liar. This morning, I stabbed him to death with ball point pens. Now I'm making a belt out of his face. Check the mail box. I sent you a bus ticket to
San Francisco. Pack a bag and go. Don't ever contact me again.
yours truly,
Saldanation
ps I also enclosed an autographed picture and an Arby's gift card for $8.45.