Chet sits at this desk, phone between his head and shoulder, swiveling in his chair. He's on hold.
CHET: I took a really big shit this mornig. Really big. Like, snaked up like soft serve sticking out of the toilet water big. God, I feel good. I'd smoked a lot of weed last night and I got super hungry but I didn't feel like leaving the house. I didn't have any food in the fridge so I raided the cupboard. There was this sealed box of oats that had been there forever. It wasn't expired so I figured, what the fuck? Luckily, I had sugar and half and half so I ate a couple three bowls. I got really full but it was great and I felt totally nourished. Anyway, this morning I wake up, grab my laptop and hit the head. I sit down and out it comes--in one shot! I didn't even have to fight it. It was like, totally natural or something. I eat too much fast food. I know that. It's not good for me. I know that. We all know that. We all do shit we're not supposed to because it's bad for our health but we do it anyway, right? It's not like I'm one of those morbidly obese people you see at the super market riding around on one of those Rascal carts. I got this beer belly but hell, I earned it. Seven years with my-ex, I earned it. Still, I feel good today, really good. I have energy. I haven't even had any coffee. I want to take a big royal dump every morning. (Into phone.) Hello? Yes, this is Chet from SS&J. I have a couple questions about our most recent invoice. (Chet covers the mouthpeice.) I gotta go, man.